NJOY Total Variety

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said \'Parking Fine.\' So that was nice.\"

Added on : Sun 08 Mar 2009

"I don't think my mom knows much about children." "Why do you say that?"

"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake and gets me up when I am sleepy."

Added on : Sun 08 Feb 2009

You've a face like a million dollars

All green and wrinkled

Added on : Sun 08 Feb 2009

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

It stole the show!

Added on : Sun 08 Feb 2009

Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?

If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.

Added on : Sun 08 Feb 2009

How do you fix a broken chimp?

With a monkey wrench!

Added on : Sun 08 Feb 2009

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

By removing his batteries!

Added on : Sun 08 Feb 2009

what do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?

wooly jumper

Added on : Sun 18 Jan 2009

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Added on : Tue 23 Dec 2008

My software never has bugs.

It just develops random features.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

The four food groups:

Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

What did the circle say to the tangent line?

"Stop touching me!"

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Will this be on the test?

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

His ass.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's phys

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

How many men would it take to mop a floor?

No one knows. They've never done it.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

We don't know. Never happens.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Why did the ghost go trick or treating on the top floor ?

He was in high spirits !

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Where is Pinocchio's website?

On the splinternet.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

What do builders use to make websites?

Com.crete.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

I can't find a shark website....

That's cos you're dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb......

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Do you like the new trousers website?

No, its pants!

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Do you want some help using the Internet, son?

No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?

The scales!

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

What has beautiful hair, a pretty face, two arms, a fish's tail, looks like a mermaid, but isn't a m

A photograph of a mermaid!

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop stealing things.

Take these pills for a week. If they don't work, get me a colour telly.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop shoplifting.

Have you taken anything for it?

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop doing crosswords. What's wrong?

I haven't a clue.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

I've been on my computer all night!

Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

If you don't stop tapping away at that keyboard I think I'll go crazy.

I think you already have, I stopped using the keyboard an hour ago.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?

Hide their trainers.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Excuse me, this computer has a cake instead of a plug.

Yes, sir, it's a currant bun.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer?

His dad went bananas.

Added on : Sun 21 Dec 2008

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said \'Parking Fine.\' So that was nice.\"

"I don't think my mom knows much about children." "Why do you say that?"

"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake and gets me up when I am sleepy."

You've a face like a million dollars

All green and wrinkled

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

It stole the show!

Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?

If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.

How do you fix a broken chimp?

With a monkey wrench!

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

By removing his batteries!

what do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?

wooly jumper

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

My software never has bugs.

It just develops random features.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

The four food groups:

Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

What did the circle say to the tangent line?

"Stop touching me!"

What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Will this be on the test?

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

His ass.

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's phys

After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

How many men would it take to mop a floor?

No one knows. They've never done it.

"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

We don't know. Never happens.

Why did the ghost go trick or treating on the top floor ?

He was in high spirits !

Where is Pinocchio's website?

On the splinternet.

What do builders use to make websites?

Com.crete.

I can't find a shark website....

That's cos you're dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb......

Do you like the new trousers website?

No, its pants!

Do you want some help using the Internet, son?

No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?

The scales!

What has beautiful hair, a pretty face, two arms, a fish's tail, looks like a mermaid, but isn't a m

A photograph of a mermaid!

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop stealing things.

Take these pills for a week. If they don't work, get me a colour telly.

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop shoplifting.

Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, doctor, I can't stop doing crosswords. What's wrong?

I haven't a clue.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

I've been on my computer all night!

Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?

If you don't stop tapping away at that keyboard I think I'll go crazy.

I think you already have, I stopped using the keyboard an hour ago.

How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?

Hide their trainers.

Excuse me, this computer has a cake instead of a plug.

Yes, sir, it's a currant bun.

Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer?

His dad went bananas.

Computer helpline?

Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....